The title is a little long yet suitably accurate.
You see, the point of this little blog post is to discuss something that I have been feeling for quite some time when it came to writing. Perhaps not in the sense of writing in the novel, and or short story, sense that constitutes story-telling, but instead in the sense of roleplay writing; which to me is writing as well though in a different manner. Now, what do I mean by feeling like a doormat?
Well, after a rather stressful week of late dealing with some matters in roleplay I found myself opening up some files to start a cleaning process. The simplest explanation is that I had some old logins and passwords, and old forums and email accounts, that needed discarded. I set about cleaning them out while I watched episodes of Psych and dealt with some rather annoying computer issues. If there’s one thing you do not want on top of feeling like you’ve been just an inch above rock bottom it’s computer troubles. So while dealing with those I decided the suitable distraction (for some insane reason) was to clean out my files and listen to some music (that stopped playing due to the earlier mentioned computer troubles). Now, as I’m going through all this needless stored information I start to notice something about myself that I’ve always known was there, but have been content to perpetually ignore.
What is that, you ask?
I forgive people, and excuse their behavior, even when they treat me absolutely abominable. I let them walk all over me as if nothing happened shortly following whatever rude, or in some cases horrendous, thing they did by caving and taking the higher road. Some would regard that as a better thing to do, and perhaps it is, yet what I’m noticing is that it makes me feel lousy.
Worse is that as I’m realizing this I’ve been up an abominable number of hours for reasons I can’t even explain, unable to sleep, and dealing with irritation after irritation with my computer so it only makes me feel more frustrated. Why do I let people do this to me? Why do I just buckle? Yet in the opposite situation they would never do the same. They’d never dare to admit that they might be in the wrong or even say they were (knowing otherwise) if it meant smoothing matters over. Instead they’d do just the opposite: keep at it, stick to their guns, and not just back off.
I never stick up for myself or defense myself adequately. I just cave. Something that was even moreso proven when sometime into all this I had to deal with an RP issue wherein I had to be the one to play the bigger part, to compromise, in order to smooth matters over. It’s getting rather old to be honest. I’m tired of always feeling that I have to do what is right to smooth things over. Yet I do it everytime without fail. Is it just part of me that I can’t change? And if I do want to change it, and the feeling I have is that I strongly do, then how do I accomplish it without coming off as an utter douche?
I’m just rather tired of being the one that concedes for the betterment of all; the one that forgives too easily, and is essentially a doormat with legs. Yet I haven’t a single idea what to do at this point. Most of the issues at hand are long in the past so I would never dredge those up yet I would like to keep any newer ones from resulting in the same outcome where I just buckle instead of standing up for myself. Perhaps if I manage to change it in this part of my life then I can change that aspect of me in other parts as well.
It’s a troublesome dilemma that I don’t know how to solve. Unlike the computer troubles which were resolved with a simple restart.
Isn’t that just like technology?