Cathartic Moments

ca·thar·sis /kəˈTHärsis/
Noun:

1. The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.
2. Purgation.

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Last night before bed, as I was laying under my warm blankets, I had decided that I was going to do some writing before I went to sleep. I have this little green spiral notebook that I use for writing in whether it’s actual stories or just story notes, and I was looking at an old story I had been working on over the last two years. This story wasn’t anything spectacular, just something based off a prompt that suggested you write about something that happened to you though change how it turned out, and I had chosen to write about the events surrounding the end of my last relationship. At the time it felt like a way to get out all the things I had wanted to say to my ex, but was too upset to actually say; a way to give me release from all that was built up inside. In the end of my story version though the guy was supposed to open his eyes and choose the girl, and fight for her through it all cause he loved her. Though that is not how it really happened.

I’ve always followed the advice that if you are feeling upset then write it down on a piece of paper, and afterward dispose of it in some manner, but generally it didn’t help me feel better for long. I’d put it down on paper then tear it up only to find that I still felt terrible. Yet last night as I sat there ripping each page into strips then those strips into smaller squares I realized that I felt different than usual. It didn’t just make me feel good, it made me feel great, and I could feel it inside me. I think it was the realization that not only have I been over my ex for a good while now, but that I didn’t want or need a fake story concerning what really happened, and that I was happy it hadn’t turned out the way in the end.

Considering the fact that it hasn’t quite been a full two years since my ex and I split this is a good thing. The more I think about it I begin to realize that the relationship ending was for the best. Perhaps, at the time, I didn’t see it, but the thing is we don’t in those moments and I spent a good deal of time hoping that he’d change his mind; that he’d call and tell me that he was foolish, and that he wanted me back, but truth is I don’t want that – and haven’t for awhile. If he were to contact me now saying such things I’d give him a piece of my mind then tell him it was not going to happen, and really that makes me feel good about myself.

Feeling that all fall away while new feelings took its place, and realizations dawned, was one of the best things. Guess that particular practice for catharsis doesn’t always fail.

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